You can be too nice or too accommodating
We often believe that frustration or anger has only two possible reactions and nothing exists in between:
On the one extreme end is the overly nice guy. He reacts with “ag no man, it is nothing”, when he is actually seething on the inside. Think of this extreme end of the reaction spectrum as the “small square” that compresses all the needs.
The other end of the reaction spectrum is another extreme: the douche. This is the guy that flips out and causes a scene. In this reaction every need is urgent. You can think of it as the “big jumbler” that amplifies all needs and emotions.
Giving reactions to our feelings only two extreme sides of a spectrum is a false dichotomy. It is an all or nothing fallacy. Both these extremes are destructive in a relationship. Yes, being nice all the time can also be destructive! How? It traps us in a reaction, and this in turn traps our wants and needs.
Both these extremes are based in a belief system.
What do you think is the belief system that causes the “nice guy” to be frustrated, but not act on it? Maybe she thinks that if she expresses even a tiny bit of anger, she is a douche. There is no in between. Or maybe she believes that the situation will resolve itself without her voicing her anger or frustration. Maybe she doesn’t want to be labelled as the troublemaker.
And what do you think is the belief system that drives the “douche” to flip out and cause a scene when she gets angry? Maybe the douche thinks that she is just being strong-willed. That if she allows people to get away with something, if she shows any “nice guy”, she will be considered a walkover, spineless, a “vloerlap”.
What do you need to believe to access the full spectrum of every reaction between “nice guy” and “douche”? You have access to all the reactions on the spectrum between the two extremes, and you can choose the appropriate reaction in a specific situation. You can act angry (by choice), but then also move back to a nice guy space (by choice). And you don’t feel ashamed when you move past the “nice guy” line on the one side, or the “strong willed” line on the other side. You also feel calm and in control on the inside, even if you are reacting appropriately angry on the outside.
How do you react to anger or frustration?
How do you react to anger or frustration - the overly nice guy, or the douche? Or maybe even a nice guy at work, but a douche at home?
What is the belief system that is making you react in these extremes? Are you hoping that things will magically resolve? Are you fearful that relationships will be hurt? Are you worried that you will be labelled as the “trouble maker” or as “high maintenance”?
Think of one situation where you will challenge yourself to experiment with other responses than your usual “nice guy” or “douche”. And let me know how this experiment helps you to get what you want or need!
Do you want to break from your old belief systems and live the life you truly want? Join the Clarity Quest!
Comments