#105 Three Burnout Warning Signs, and What You Are Really Afraid Of

What specific burnout warning signs should we pay attention to? Which red flags should we watch out for?

Those are two important questions, because you might still be functioning. You're getting things done. But the problems are already present beneath the surface. Before you reach a breaking point, there are several signs that you will ignore. Here are three of the ones I see working with people.

Your exhaustion doesn't change after rest

You sleep eight hours and wake up tired. You take the weekend off, but Monday feels the same as Friday. You rest, but you're not getting the benefits of the rest.

It takes a week to start your holiday

You've been looking forward to a holiday for weeks, yet when it finally arrives, the first six or seven days you're still in work mode. Physically you're on the beach, but mentally you're still in the office. And when you finally relax, the end of the holiday is already nearing, and you feel that sense of dread creeping in. Once you're back at work, it takes a week or so for you to feel completely drained again.

You dread getting in trouble

Not something specific. It's a low, constant feeling that you've missed something, and if you are not vigilant, it will all be revealed and you will be the one responsible for the mess. This means that every message and notification feels extremely urgent. Either it needs your attention immediately, or this might be the message that reveals how much you've messed up.

Do you judge yourself for being tired?

If you recognise yourself in those three, I want to go back a step. Do you look around at other people in your team, and to you it seems like everyone else is just doing fine? They're coping, they're thriving even. And then you look at yourself and you think, what's wrong with me?

Nothing's wrong with you. What actually needs attention is your boundaries. You already know where you cross your lines. You said you would stop at six o'clock, and at half past eight you're still answering emails on your couch. Nobody asked you to do it. Or it's Sunday morning and you check your inbox just to see what's coming. Even if you don't reply to anything, your mind is already at work, and it's Sunday morning.

What am I so afraid of?

You might say you're just trying to be better prepared for the week. Let me give you another angle. You're just trying to stay out of trouble.

So we have to change the question. The question should not be, how do I manage my workload? The question is, what am I so afraid of? Because it's not about missing an email. What you're afraid of is what a missed email would prove. Finally prove, without a doubt, that you're not capable and you are not worthy.

You're not replying to emails to be useful. You are replying to stop yourself from being found out. And it doesn't end, because every reply buys you an hour of relief, and then that question is back. You're using work to answer a question that work and productivity can't really address.

Three things you can do

Firstly, turn off all your notifications. Off during the week, off after hours, off on the weekend. Because at the moment your phone decides when you work and how you work, and it shouldn't be that way around. I know what comes up for you. What if something urgent arrives? So count how often something genuinely urgent has actually arrived on a Sunday morning.

Second, structure your checking. Turning notifications off doesn't mean you never look. It means you choose when you look. Pick your times. Let's say nine, one o'clock, five o'clock, whatever fits your work. When you go to your inbox, it is with purpose.

Third, notice what happens in the gap. Between those times, your nervous system might tell you this is dangerous. Something might happen in the meantime. Don't fix it. Don't act on it. Just notice it. Stay with that uncomfortable feeling of there might be trouble. Because every single time you act on the urge, you are allowing fear to dictate your behaviour.

The fire alarm and the toast

Why is this so hard to do? Imagine that your building's fire alarm goes off every time someone makes toast. The whole building will be moving, reacting, evacuating. But there's no fire. It's just someone making toast.

The same thing happens within our nervous system. Doing something feels like you're addressing the danger. That's why being busy feels like we're addressing something. But the danger you're responding to is one that you built inside, and you've been responding to it for months or probably years. The notifications, those are the alarms. The inbox, mostly toast.

But you don't understand my boss

There's an objection I get almost every time I share this. My boss actually told me he wants an instant response.

First, ask yourself when he said that, and in what words. Because "I need you to be responsive" can turn into instantly, always, including Sundays, somewhere between what he said and what you heard. That is free for your manager. It's very expensive for you.

Second, and you won't like it. We teach people how to treat us. Over time, you showed your manager that it's fine to hand you the extra work, and that a message on Sunday will get a reply. A hundred small yeses created that. The good news is that it works in both directions. You can retrain it. Start by recalibrating your behaviour. You don't have to tell anyone. And when someone objects, that is where you get ready for the uncomfortable conversation. Isn't it fascinating, and in a way sad, that we would rather burn out than have that conversation?

Just for this coming week

Turn the notifications off, and choose two or three times in the day when you check. That's it. When the urge comes up in between, don't try to fix anything and don't judge yourself. Just notice it, and ask yourself one question. What am I actually afraid of right now? Write down what comes up on a little post-it note on your desk. On paper it becomes like a little puzzle, and you can start untangling the different parts.

You're tired from years of running from a judgement that was never coming. Instead of turning yourself into toast by burning out, rather treat your inbox like toast.

If you want to know which groove you're stuck in right now, routine, uncertainty or trance, take the RUT Diagnostic. It takes three minutes.