#106 The Four Voices in Your Head, and the Only One That Helps
Why are we so hard on ourselves, and why doesn't it help? And when you stop being hard on yourself, why doesn't that help either?
I ask because when something isn't working in your life, when you're not making progress on the thing that matters, you ask yourself why. And I think one of four voices talks. Three of them will keep you exactly where you are, and might even make it worse. I would like you to be able to tell them apart.
I made a full video on this. Watch it here, or keep reading for the short version.
The judge
The judge aims internally, and it tries to shame you. It'll say things like, it's because you're like this. You never do this. You're useless. You're lazy. The judge puts labels on you, and those labels don't help you to get going again. They make it worse, because labels are heavy to carry with you. They slow you down.
Sometimes the judge is obvious. But the judge can also be very subtle, by asking questions. Why is this so hard? Why is everyone else getting this right? Or it asks, what's the best option? Don't make a mistake. That sounds responsible. But it assumes that there is one perfect way, and it keeps you standing still while you're looking for it.
The cheerleader
The cheerleader aims externally, and it blames. It's because of this person. It's because of these circumstances. It shifts the responsibility away from you, onto other things and other people. I call it the cheerleader because the cheerleader is always on the team's side. If the team plays badly or great, it doesn't matter. It's not your fault. The other guys are the bad guys.
What makes this one difficult is that it's sometimes right. We do get curveballs in life. But even when the blame is valid, it doesn't help. Blaming is not taking responsibility.
I have to watch this voice in myself too. In June of this year, I moved offices. It disrupted a lot of momentum in my life, including starting these YouTube videos. I constantly had to reframe it and not give the cheerleader too much airtime. Because then I would blame the landlord, because of a leak in the roof, because of this, because of that. It didn't help me, and it drained a lot of my energy instead of focusing it where it could make a difference.
The comforter
This one I learned from a client. The comforter is very caring, but it excuses you. It says, remember this is going on, you're feeling like this, so how can you do this stuff? It's okay, you did enough, you did your best. Try again tomorrow. Sometimes that can be helpful, but most of the time it's just a subtle way of showing you that you can stop.
Sometimes it shows up through gratitude. I think gratitude is very important, of course. It's also a very good hiding place. At least you have these things in your life. Other people have it much worse. That comparison feels like it's giving you perspective. But whether you compare yourself to someone above you or someone below you, it's the same problem. You feel better for a moment, so you get comforted, and you don't look at what's important.
Being kinder to yourself is not the fix
If you're hard on yourself and you've been told to be kinder to yourself, what usually happens is that you swap the judge for one of the other two. It feels better, but nothing changes.
What you actually want when you ask why am I not making progress is the reasons. The actual reasons. Something plain enough that you can do something about it. I went to bed too late. I said yes to too many things. I never put a time in the diary for it.
The coach
That's the work of the fourth voice. Your inner guide, your inner coach. The coach encourages and instructs. So when the judge asks why can't you, the coach asks how can you. Try it like this next time. Tomorrow do this. It gives you options to try. This happened, so I accept that and I adjust. Do, notice, adjust.
For nearly all of us, this is the voice that we need to develop. The other three have had years of practice.
Which voice is talking?
There's a way to check, and it catches the judge when he pretends to be the coach. Does this voice create the emotions that help me show up the way I want to show up? If what you feel afterwards is small, ashamed or defeated, that was the judge. I don't believe in tough love. The coach can be direct with you, and you still come away knowing what to try.
Something to try
The next time you catch yourself asking why didn't I do it, why am I not further along, stop and listen to who answers. Is it shaming you? That's the judge. Is it blaming someone or something? That's the cheerleader. Is it excusing you or telling you to be grateful? That's the comforter. Then ask the coach's two questions. What is the actual reason, and how can I address it?
If you want to know which groove you're stuck in right now, routine, uncertainty or trance, take the RUT Diagnostic. It takes three minutes.