#84 Why You Should Stop Trying to Solve Conflict and How to Start Learning From It
- Francois Esterhuizen
- Sep 29
- 3 min read
Updated: Oct 28
Most people try to solve conflict when they should be listening to it. Francois Esterhuizen explains how disagreements reveal valuable data about your unmet needs, beliefs, and values and how curiosity, not control, leads to lasting peace.
When you feel the familiar tension of a disagreement rising, what is your first instinct?
For many, the internal response falls into one of two camps: find the quickest way to end it, or find the quickest way to get away from it.
We are conditioned to see conflict as a problem to be solved or a threat to be avoided.
But this entire framework is flawed, and it is the reason the same arguments reappear in our lives with frustrating regularity.
The goal of handling conflict should not be resolution or avoidance. The real purpose of conflict is much deeper.
The purpose of conflict is not resolution
Conflict is information. More specifically, it is information about your inner world that is trying to surface. When you engage in a difficult conversation, the frustration, fear, or defensiveness you feel is not just noise to be managed. It is a signal pointing to something deeper within you; an unmet need, a bruised value, a limiting belief.
If your primary goal is to "solve" the conflict, you bypass the information entirely. You focus on the surface-level issue — the unwashed dishes, the missed deadline — and negotiate a temporary truce. But you leave the underlying dynamic untouched, ensuring the conflict will return. Similarly, if you avoid the conversation, the information stays buried where it continues to influence your behaviour in subtle, often destructive, ways.
The most effective way of handling conflict is to shift your objective from solving the problem to gathering the data.
The data is about you
When conflict arises, the most important question is not "How can I fix this?"
The most important question to ask is, "What is this trying to teach me about myself?"
Often, the emotion that blocks access to this information is anger. We see our own anger as a loss of control and the anger of others as a threat. But anger is rarely the primary emotion. It is a guard, a loud and protective secondary emotion standing in front of more vulnerable feelings like being misunderstood, feeling powerless, or fearing dismissal.
When you allow yourself to get curious about the anger — yours or someone else's — you can begin to access the real information. You stop seeing the other person as the source of your problem and start seeing the situation as a mirror reflecting your own inner state.
Validating their perspective does not mean you agree with it.
It means you are mature enough to acknowledge that two different realities can exist at once. This is the foundation of effective communication.
Your next move
Think about a recent or recurring conflict in your life. Set aside the details of who said what and what the "issue" was.
Instead, ask yourself: What was the primary emotion I felt? Was it fear? A sense of inferiority? The frustration of not being heard?
Follow that feeling. What information was it trying to deliver about your own needs and beliefs? Shifting your focus from the external battle to your internal world is the only way of handling conflict that creates lasting change. You stop fighting fires and start redesigning the system so they do not ignite in the first place.
Francois Esterhuizen is a trusted and sought-after clarity and leadership coach based in Stellenbosch, partnering online with South Africans worldwide. His work helps turn emotional resistance into clarity, momentum, and meaningful growth.
